


So Long (And Thanks for All the Flesh)

by thisisthefamilybusiness



Category: Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Canon-Typical Cannibalism, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Flash Fic, Gen, Hannibal is an alien, Joking Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5281718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisthefamilybusiness/pseuds/thisisthefamilybusiness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Hannibal Lecter might have been a Lithuanian triage-doctor-turned-psychiatrist-who-also-worked-with-the-FBI-and-helped-them-profile-criminals, but he also might have been Betelgeusian and studying Earth for the team behind the incredible intergalactic best-seller The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Long (And Thanks for All the Flesh)

Dr. Hannibal Lecter might have been a Lithuanian triage-doctor-turned-psychiatrist-who-also-worked-with-the-FBI-and-helped-them-profile-criminals, but he also might have been Betelgeusian and studying Earth for the team behind the incredible intergalactic best-seller _The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_. 

Most people assumed he was European, because of his thick accent, strange name, and fashion sense ripped from a 1969 gentlemen’s style magazine, and that was perfectly acceptable in Dr. Lecter’s mind. He was a researcher, and if it made the humans around him more comfortable to believe he was foreign, he found it acceptable. Besides, humans were _such_ fun, and also quite delicious if prepared properly.

* * *

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Hannibal—Hannibal is that—Is that a dead body lying your counter?” Will Graham appears like he might be preparing to vomit, vomit being one of the more disgusting aspects of humanity that Dr. Lecter has learned about.

“Yes. It is the corpse of Fredrick Chilton. He was being annoying and rude. So I decided his liver would be delicious with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Will Graham does, in fact, vomit all over the dark tile of Dr. Lecter’s kitchen floor. “Oh my god.” He appears quite distressed. “Hannibal, did you _kill_ him?”

“I did. And if you are going to continue to displace your bodily fluids while I finish butchering his corpse, I would appreciate it if you did so in the bathroom.”

Will Graham must not hear Dr. Lecter, because he just vomits again. If Dr. Lecter was to be writing a section on Will Graham for his Guide, it would possibly go something like this:

> _WILL GRAHAM_ : a Human (see _HUMANS_ ) from the section of Earth (see _EARTH_ ) known as Wolf Trap, Virginia, America. He is thirty-two years, tall, dark-haired, never quite at ease with himself, and has a tendency to vomit (see _VOMIT_ ) when he is distressed, a behaviour that is incredibly annoying. He is otherwise friendly to alien life forms and enjoys alcohol too. 

“Hannibal... You killed someone. That’s not—That’s not okay.”

Now, Dr. Lecter is quite confused. He had been quite sure that humans ate everything possible. In all his years of intergalactic travel, he had never encountered any life-form resembling a ‘McNugget’ before, and humans were exceptionally delectable. And hadn’t everyone been quite thrilled with all the fun artwork he made from the corpses to give the FBI a little brain-teaser? “I did not know that.”

“How do you not know that killing people is bad?! Jesus fucking Christ...”

“I am not from here.”

“I’m pretty sure that killing people is still illegal and bad in Lithuania, Hannibal!”

“No, I am not from this planet. I am Betelgeusian, I am researching your planet for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It’s more popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus and better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to do in Zero Gravity.”

“Oh.”

And, for the third time that night, Will Graham vomits.

Dr. Lecter sighs, stabs Will once in the side, watches as Will’s insides become his outsides all over the floor and Will panics, and decides he’s going to re-write his entire entry for Earth.

And this time, it’s only going to have one word:

> _EARTH_ : Tasty.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on the kinkmeme for a prompt asking for a HG2G AU a long, long time ago, if memory serves me, but I found this in my drafts and decided to post it here.
> 
> (Yes, I am back. After college and life in general kicking my butt for a long time, I'm finally back. The next few weeks I'll be posting all the final updates for any WIPs I have, so look forward to that. I also have a lot of stuff that I've written and just haven't edited/posted, so expect a mild dump soon.)


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